So long, little brother.......

Its taken me almost 2 weeks to post about this, as everyone knows, my brother Chris comitted suicide on August 11th.

I honestly still can't believe it happened. As much as I knew it would happen sometime, since he said it would over and over again, to actually have to say that my brother is dead just makes me sick. I get physically ill thinking about it.

I was in Colorado for 2 weeks before he died. He called me in a very scary state, telling me he needed me out there as soon as possible. I got out there as soon as I could, which ended up taking some time thanks to work, and quite honestly, I told friends that I was expecting to find him dead when I got there, since he knew exactly what time I would be there.

Luckily, he was alive. He was in really tough shape mentally and physically, but he wanted to get off all the prescription meds he was taking, and see if he could get himself to a better place. We went to his doctors and agreed that we should do that, so he went thru the withdrawals with me there and finally around the middle to end of the first week he was feeling better. While he was withdrawing, I went thru his place and dumped literally thousands of percocets, vicodens and oxycontins down the toilet. I could not believe he had so many pills in his house. It looked like a pharmacy.

Into the second week, we went back to his doctor and he was put on Effexor to try to get him out of his funk. He actually seemed to be doing ok, but on Friday, when I was supposed to leave for home, he had a mini breakdown and begged me to stay for a few more days. I agreed, and we hung out for awhile, talked more, then I went out for a little while with his dog Max so he could take a nap. When I got home, I told him I was going to lie down because I had a headache, and around 8pm I woke up to get some dinner. I opened his bedroom door, and he was snoring away. I went and got dinner then went back to bed. I woke up around 530 Saturday morning and found a note saying he had killed himself.

Of course, there was drama with my father over all this, that was to be expected, and I finally got Chris home to my mom's grave on Sunday. I did a little ceremony for him and spread his ashes at the grave. All his friends turned out, as did a lot of mine.

As I sit here now, I am so sad I want to cry, but I can't. I know he is finally where he wanted to be, and for that we should all be happy.

Rest in Peace Chris. I miss you.